King under the Bombur
by IheartOakenshield193712
Summary: Ever since Bilbo's unhappy memory of the dwarfs raiding his pantry in the Shire, he's avoided having dinner with them for said reasons. Kili and Dwalin have noticed their burglar's been absent for quite a while. They make a bet that their King can't get his consort to the dinner table.


**Enjoy this funny fic inspired by Thorin's arrival at Bag End in the book :D**

* * *

"Thorin!" Bilbo squeaked as Thorin lifted him into his arms. "Put me down!" he protested, trying to squirm away.

"No," Thorin replied with a chuckle. "You are having dinner with the company."

"Thorin..." Bilbo whined, going limp in the dwarf's arms. "Not this again..."

Thorin Oakenshield, King under the Mountain and husband of this fussy hobbit, had agreed to a bet placed by Dwalin and Kili, to get Bilbo out of their quarters' kitchen and into the dining hall with the rest of the company.

Being the stubborn dwarf that he was, Thorin wouldn't take no for an answer and had pestered Bilbo for a good two weeks (the bet had been placed that long ago) until the hobbit threatened to kick Thorin out of their bed. The dwarf backed off for a few days, but now, he was at it again. This time, Thorin scheming-ly cornered Bilbo in the sitting room and made sure the hobbit had his back turned before Thorin scooped him up.

Now as a result of this, Bilbo was dead weight in his arms (not that that was a problem, but it meant the hobbit was going to be upset the entire night).

"Bilbo," Thorin began, attempting to shake his hobbit gently. "Come on. The lads miss seeing you at dinner. I know it was _one_ time but-"

His husband huffed. "I am not risking another perfectly good waistcoat," he replied. "You can go. Put. Me. Down."

"No," Thorin argued softly, turning for the door. "We are going to dinner even if I have to carry you like a little dwarfling the entire way myself."

Bilbo grumbled and glared at the dwarf. "I am not being sociable."

"I am not asking you to," Thorin replied casually, shutting the door behind him with his foot. "I just want you to see the company again."

"Thorin-"

"Don't 'Thorin' me," he said. "You can sit in my seat this time; it seems nothing lands there."

"That is because you are the king," Bilbo reasoned flatly. "They don't like it when you yell."

"Well, then you know the only other option is-"

"I am _not_ sitting on your lap!" Bilbo argued. "Put me down! You know I hate it when you carry me in front of other dwarfs."

"If I put you down, will you walk with me?"

"Fine," the hobbit grumbled.

"There," the dwarf king said, setting Bilbo down. "Let's continue."

Bilbo huffed and slid his hand into Thorin's larger one. "I don't think I can survive another food fight," he mumbled, running his other hand over his face. "If there is a food fight, Thorin Oakenshield, I swear that will be the last time I eat with the company!"

"Ghivashel," Thorin began in an amused voice. "It was one time-"

"Thorin-"

"Please-"

"Am I interrupting something?" Balin greeted, smiling at the bickering spouses. "Your Majesty, I see you have brought our ex-burglar along. Dwalin and Kili are going to be very pleased," he said before abruptly turning around and heading to the dining hall.

"Dwalin and Ki-"

Thorin hoisted Bilbo into his arms before the hobbit had the chance to finish his sentence. "No time to explain," he quickly said. "The company is waiting."

"But Balin-" the hobbit began before he realized what was happening. "Thorin! Put me down!"

"Bilbo," Thorin replied. "You will not walk. I shall carry you."

Bilbo snorted. "You act as if it were a bet you placed and when I find out, I'm going to run the other way," he joked but glowered at his husband when Thorin didn't say anything. "You bet on me?! Thorin Oakenshield I swear-"

"You had not come to dinner in so long," Thorin explained, walking through a group of dwarfs that stared at the limp hobbit in his arms. "Dwalin was teasing me about it, and Kili nearly dared Fili to go get you at that moment. So, before anyone could move-"

"Or your ego get more damaged," Bilbo added flatly, letting his head fall back until he could watch the dwarfs stare at him upside-down.

Thorin rolled his eyes. "So, before anyone could move," he continued as if Bilbo had never interrupted. "I told them that one day you will be at the feast," he said, bracing himself for Bilbo's protests. "And Dwalin and Kili just made a bet out of that."

"So, you just happened to speak and BAM! the bet was made by Dwalin and Kili?" Bilbo asked lazily. "You had nothing to do with the bet? That is what it seems you are trying to say."

Thorin sighed in defeat and put Bilbo down, catching him as the hobbit tried to run. "You are sitting with the company," he commanded gently. "And I am not taking no for an answer. You do not have to socialize, and if something breaks out, then-"

"By all means sit in your lap," Bilbo finished with a glare.

Thorin grinned wickedly. "And you know what that does to me," he growled playfully, tugging Bilbo closer and successfully bringing out a giggle in the hobbit. "Come on," he said with a chuckle upon hearing Bilbo's laugh. "I'm sure the company is seated already and I'm hungry."

"Dwarfs," Bilbo mocked, rolling his eyes and kissing Thorin sweetly.

"Well, well, well," Dwalin boomed as Bilbo and Thorin entered the hall. "Is that our burglar? I think I might have forgotten what he looks like! Because I sure haven't seen him in years."

"Shut it, Dwalin," Thorin grunted, taking his seat at the head of the table. "My consort is here," Thorin announced loud and clear, so loud and clear that Bilbo flushed to the tips of his ears as the guards at the door and the dwarfs in the kitchens turned around. "Is there something _polite_ you would like to say, Dwalin?"

"Me?" the warrior dwarf asked disbelievingly. "Let me remind you it was your nephew who-"

Thorin cleared his throat and glared at Dwalin.

"Oh, alright," Dwalin grumbled. "I'm sorry I told you that you would never get Bilbo to come to dinner again after what happened last time."

"Kili?" Thorin prompted, satisfied with his friend's apology.

The young dwarf sunk down in his seat. "Sorry, Uncle."

"Thank you," Thorin said with a confident smile. "Now, for this well-deserved feast."

* * *

"Nothing's happened yet," Bilbo whispered in Thorin's ear.

Thorin grinned. "Dwarfs can be well-mannered," he said though he had a feeling something was about to break out soon. "We can be just as civilized as hobbits, Bilbo."

"Oh, I'd like to see that," the other scoffed. "You had no idea what they did to my pantry-"

"Bilbo," Thorin interrupted in his special voice he used to show Bilbo he was pouting. "Please stay. I miss having you here at my side."

His hobbit snorted. "I'm _at_ your side every day," he said. "There should be no reason for you to use that voice with me. I have told you that I am not happy to be here, and I wish to return to our chambers with my waistcoat in one color." Bilbo huffed loudly, glaring at Thorin. "Don't you go and try to guilt me in giving into this. I refuse to believe something will not happen."

Thorin grumbled quietly and kept to himself throughout the remainder of dinner, knowing his quietness will make Bilbo feel bad.

The hobbit finished his meal long ago, and now he was watching Thorin silently. The dwarf seemed awfully put out and hurt, and Bilbo knew it was his fault. But all he wanted was a nice quiet meal with no hooting, hollering, singing, and food-fighting.

Just a quiet meal. Was that so hard to get? Apparently since he began living with dwarfs.

"... Thorin?" Bilbo tried quietly, placing his hand on the dwarf's forearm. "Are you alright?"

"Excuse me," the other said, getting up from his seat.

Bilbo sighed sadly and watched Thorin leave.

Kili elbowed his side. "Trouble in paradise, Uncle Bilbo?" he asked, wiggling his eyebrows. "Uncle Thorin's in a tizzy again, isn't he? Yep, he was all talking about how he'd get you to come to dinner, and he knew you wouldn't enjoy it, but he was really happy when he was talking about having you sit beside him just like old times."

The hobbit huffed. "Well, I'd have no problem with being here but you dwarfs have no manners! And I do love my waistcoats very much!"

"Well, Uncle gave us specific instructions not to do anything tonight to make you want to stay for dinner again. Oops..." he muttered quietly, gulping audibly. "Wasn't supposed to mention that." He slowly inched away from Bilbo whose face was turning a shade of angry red.

The small creature stood abruptly and stomped his way to that godforsaken dwarf who was standing and conversing with a cook at the end of the long table.

Bofur and the rest of the Company, meanwhile, chatted and hollered and chucked pieces of potatoes up and down the long table. Most had noticed Bilbo marching toward Thorin and were waiting for the show to begin.

Kili, slightly filling with worry, tried to flag down Fili, who was sitting diagonal to him, and explain to him what was going to happen between their uncles. His _psst_ -ing wasn't working over the clatter of voices, so he flicked a fat piece of carrot at him.

Well, the carrot flew right past its target and hit Nori in the eye. The dwarf let out a yowl and grabbed a fistful of potatoes and flung it in the direction the carrot came from. Kili ducked in time but Dori didn't see it coming... A food-fight ensued.

Bilbo was oblivious to what was around him still marched on. Had he'd known there was a giant food fight to the left of him, he would have fled the room like you wouldn't believe.

The food-fight escalated down the table: Dori threw a boar leg at Nori which hit Oin's trumpet sending it flying into Dwalin's ale. Dwalin, already disgruntled, tossed the trumpet in the other direction of the deaf dwarf. It landed in Balin's stew, splashing the broth onto the older dwarf. Balin, then, joined in and pitched a chunk of bread at Bofur's head. Bombur, as fast as he could, tried to flee the mess. He stood up and quickly turned around, hoping to scurry away before everyone tossed food at him and his wife would scold him again for getting his best coat dirty.

Still focused on his hellbent journey, Bilbo slipped in some gravy on the stone floor and was in the middle of face-planting when Thorin stopped him from falling.

"You okay?" the King asked with concern.

Bilbo pulled away and finally noticed the commotion in the room. His mouth fell open as he gaped at the mess happening behind his husband's back, literally.

"Bilbo?" Thorin prompted. "What's wrong?"

A frightened Bombur was hurrying their way. Bilbo had half a mind to warn Thorin but somehow he decided against it. "Oh, I'm fine." He frowned. "Hm, I forgot why I came over here actually." He watched the chubby dwarf get closer and closer, his step growing and growing. Thorin was still facing the hobbit, but Bilbo didn't move until he noticed a rather large gravy soaked hunk of deer in the path of Bombur.

It all happened so fast, according to Bilbo: Bombur slipped. Crashed head first into Thorin. Sent both dwarfs tumbling to the floor with a great "oof!". Bilbo, as well as the rest of the Company (or at least those who weren't afraid of the thunderous look on Thorin's face when the dwarf stood up) burst into laughter.

"Enough!" Thorin roared. He brushed himself off and gave the Company a murderous look, especially Bombur. "I want this all cleaned. Now!"

Bilbo tugged on the King's coat. "Oh, don't be so hard on them. It was just a bit of fun. Come, let's get your things washed up."

"You know you're unnnaturally happy about this, Bilbo." Thorin's eyes narrowed at the hobbit.

"I had nothing to do with this," he defended. "I did see Bombur though, but I-"

"Why didn't you tell me?" the dwarf growled.

"Because I thought you could see why I dreaded coming here tonight. Did it work?"

Thorin grumbled to himself. "I'll be having supper in our chambers the next few weeks. I can't believe how crazy they are."

"And that's not even as bad as what they did to my pantry."

"I'm sorry, dear. I've learned my lesson."

"Good Dwarf," Bilbo smiled, perfectly content with the ending to that adventurous night.


End file.
